My friend Stephanie (30 weeks, 2 days)

So, after writing about my deep dark fears, time for something to put them more in perspective.

As many of you know, the sad truth is that my closest friend since moving to Atlanta is an 11 year old. Her name is Stephanie. (I mentioned her in an earlier post about being pregnant versus being fat.) Unlike adult friends, I don't share too much of my adult life with her and I always have to drive when we go someplace. Still, we have known each other for the past 4 years since she was just a first grader and I care a lot for her. She has also done me the great favor of keeping my work grounded in something real and human. She gives me feedback on the school, tells me things about the neighborhood, invites me into her home in the projects, and helps keep my motivation going.

I always tease her and tell her that she isn't allowed to date until she is at least 30. I told her this again tonight when she told me she is excited about meeting the brother of a friend this weekend because he "likes" her. I asked her tonight if she understood why I always tease her. She was mostly right in her response: I don't want her to grow up and let her go. I told her that I also want her to not worry about being an adult and doing adult things when she is 11. I told her it is important for her to be 11 now, because she will never be 11 again.

Her response? "But, Miss Jamie, my cousin was 20 when he died. I can't wait until I'm 30. He didn't have very long to date."

....

Stephanie's cousin Michael was shot and killed by an unknown and unapprehended shooter in November. I don't have a lot of details about the murder or about the cousin, but I know: his girlfriend just gave birth last week to his second son, Stephanie loved her cousin who was teaching her to play basketball, and the killing has caused her more turmoil than she can express. His death doesn't seem to have been intentional, but a just a circumstance of living where he lived and being where he was.

Sorry to say, but this is not the first time I have been overwhelmed by Stephanie's life and I have felt the world's (and my) response underwhelming. For example, there was the time her mom was missing and in the hospital and then arrested (wrongly). In light of these things, Stephanie's inability to control her temper and complete reluctance to listen to authority figures is almost forgivable. However, this is not to say that for all the adult trauma this girl deals with, that she isn't still a sweet 11 year old. That is what I absolutely love about her.

At Christmas, we have a tradition. She writes a list of 5-10 people that she wants to buy Christmas gifts for. She thinks about what each person would like and then we go to the dollar store and check off the people on the list one by one. Afterwards, we go to eat, usually to Red Lobster (where that child can get meat out of a crab leg like she was sipping soda through a straw!). This year, beneath her mom, her aunt, Maggie the Dog, a friend, and 2 school staff members, she wrote "Surprise". She told me she wanted to buy a gift for someone, but didn't want to tell me who and was that going to be okay. I told her as long as it wasn't me, that it was fine. We got to the store and went through the entire list; gifts included candy for her mom, a picture frame for her aunt, a Santa mug for Mrs. Tanks, a zebra print toy for Maggie. For "Surprise" she asked me to stay at the end of one aisle and let her pick it out by herself.

She picked out a baby blue baby blanket. I kept the presents at my office until Christmas Eve and dropped them off at her house. She forgot there was the ruse of surprise and asked if we could keep the blanket at the office until she could give it to my son. The "surprise" person is Sprout.

....

Though entirely disappointed that Sprout is a boy because she has 5 brothers, Stephanie seems to have warmed up to the idea of my having a baby. She has been talking about the baby and asking how old babysitters should be. This week, she started planning a baby shower for me. Now, I don't know exactly what she has in mind, but she is looking for a party. She has drawn invitations, made a list of items she needs (lots of cake and balloons, no punch), and a potential guest list. I love a girl who knows the importance of a good list. I don't know, she might be thinking that I will give her $10 and take her to the dollar store, but she seems committed to her plan.

She might be only 11, but I am so glad to know her as I do. It's good to know someone like her is on your side. On days like today and after talks like today's, she just seems like a remarkable person and invaluable friend.